Final Thoughts

I almost cried today. I was frustrated with a student who didn’t agree with me. I was frustrated with a student who has spent 4 months here and is ok with returning the same way he/she came. I was frustrated because after presenting facts, statistics, and research that proves something, someone will always take the opposing side refusing to believe the truth. I almost cried because a student’s contesting viewpoint was enough to frustrate me, and I can’t begin to imagine how many more opposing viewpoints I will encounter when I return.

I almost cried today because I don’t know how to leave this place. Azar Nafisi said “You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place…like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.”

People talk about reverse culture shock when you come back from another culture, but I just experienced the first phase today before I even left the country. Just the thought of the feelings I had today multiplied over again and again is overwhelming.

How do I leave a 4 and 11 year old that I love as my own siblings? How do I leave a mother who loves me like her own? How do I leave knowing it is very possible that I will never see them again?

How do I leave this beautiful country so in desperate need of love and submerge myself back into the world I came from? How do I enter into the Christmas season knowing that my little family in Honduras is in need? How do I say goodbye to a way of life that I have grown to love?

How do I take what I have learned and change my life, when those around me don’t understand or don’t care to learn? How do I prevent myself from falling into old habits because they are easier?

And now I cry. I cry for the poverty I have seen. For the necessity and longing yet hope for the future. For the honesty and openness that others have revealed with me. For the thieves who rob out of a lack of a better opportunity. For the children who roam the dumpsters and breathe unhealthy air. For the insecurity and fear that roam the hearts of many. For the students who have learned but still do not see. For my own limited perspective, faults, and failures. For humans attempt to understand and interpret God. For judgmental glances and harsh words thrown at those with whom we disagree. For mixed feelings of missing my family, friends, and home yet not ready to leave what I have found here. For those that can leave without looking back or thinking twice. For the deeply immense beauty of this culture, these people, and this country. For the hope that our heroes like Mother Theresa have given us yet a sense of incapacity and minute sense of self. For the joy of being served their best christmas dinner with my family in Nueva Suyapa as a means of saying thank you to me for spending time with them. For the tears that my family in Nueva Suyapa shed with me as we prayed together yesterday knowing we might not see each other again but that we worship the same loving God.

I cry for lack of words to articulate.

And so I smile. I smile for the indescribable memories that are stamped into my memory. For the beauty that lurks in unexpected places. For the laughter, smiles, and jokes I have shared. For my little sister’s blatantly honest remarks and young naivety. For Yaqui’s ridiculous over protective way of being. For the way my bedroom transformed into the purple room because it was my favorite color. For what I have learned that I hope to never forget. For the ants that I never got used to. For the opportunity to study abroad that many others do not have.

And then I ask. I ask for patience for myself to show to others, and patience for others to show to me. Patience as I adjust back into the place I left but with a different sense of self, others, God, and life in general. Encouragement as I change to meet the goals I have set, and to not lose hope when those around me don’t understand. Support as I battle with the struggle between old habits and new ideas, and the confusion that it will bring. I ask for wisdom from a God who is mysterious and powerful, who did not give humans the ability to understand him.

And now I share. I share my goals and ideas knowing that many won’t care or share the same goals that I do. I share knowing that many will question why or doubt the ability that one person has to make a difference. I share knowing that it is possible that I will fail and be frustrated but hoping that I will forever be changed and might change others with me.

Goals:
-Spend time with others without thinking about a schedule or time
-Help others without thinking of my own agenda
-Live a simple life
-Give or donate clothes that I do not need or that can better serve someone else
-Give or donate old toys or objects that are sitting in boxes that could be in the hands of someone in need
-Save water with showers and washing dishes
-Buy the book from betterworldshopper.com and learn how and where to best spend my money
-Be conscious of what I buy and if I really need it
-Walk, ride my bike, or take the bus to Calvin
-Buy local groceries
-Communicate with my 2 families in Honduras
-Give money to God without thinking about percentages
-Learn how to cook efficiently (learn how to cook period ☺)
-Look into the pros and cons of vegetarianism and where to buy local meat
-Study the facets of God and the possibility of religious pluralism
-Push for the DREAM act and immigration reform that is desperately needed
-Continue to support and speak Spanish with others who went to Honduras
-Watch the world news more often

*Thank you to those of you who have followed my blog, genuinely interested and found the time and desire to read about what I have learned (maybe even learning yourself) and to those who sent me little emails and snail mail encouraging me throughout the semester. It was greatly appreciated!
*The pictures are of my finished ceramic and sculpture pieces, they turned out pretty well although I am going to have to be very creative to get all 3 home.
*These next 3 days are very busy and full of many people fighting for my time. I feel a bit overwhelmed with it all (including the thought of having to pack:) and would appreciate thoughts and prayers as these next few days will be difficult as well as the mixed emotions of leaving and coming home.